So this post will be a little bit personal.
I shared last night in my bible study group. Cried my eyeballs out. Couldn't even speak for part of the time. It was the end of our study on King David and I already felt like I was attending his funeral. We have studied every aspect of David's life over the past few months and I feel like he was a pastor at our church or our governor or a relative. So we watched the last video for this study and I was crying even during that.
Then we prayed and asked God to speak to our hearts and I knew He wanted me to share what I would rather not have. As we took turns talking about something that we learned from the study I listened to several stories of amazing things. I kept thinking, soon it will be my turn, soon it will be my turn, and I just felt like crying again.
When it was my turn, I tried to speak, but no words really came out. Just blurbs. And half-phrases. I hoped they understood what I was saying. I couldn't even see if anyone else was crying along with me. I just tried to say what I felt like I should. I felt like I had brought my underwear drawer and was pulling out each piece to show all the ladies. Not that what I was saying was related to underwear, but it was a part of me that I would have liked to remain hidden.
So I shared that God had brought me out of a place where I had been emotionally for several months. I even shared the mental picture I had of how I had felt: Me, with an innertube around my waist, floating in an ocean, completely alone. Someone would swim up in their innertube and bump into mine, say hello, smile at me, ask how I was and swim away. I would feel unable to really connect with that person or swim away with them or get out of the water.
In our study we read Psalm 18 where it talks about God reaching down from on high and taking hold of us and drawing us out of DEEP WATERS. Wow, that was me! Because God brought me through that. He was with me and had a plan for me and will be with me until He takes me home.
I hope it is alright that I shared this with you. I am so thankful that God loves me enough to be with me through hard times, even if they are just emotionally or spiritually difficult. Becuase I really feel like if He had not spoken to me and helped me through that it would have been unbearable.
Told you it would be personal.
4 comments:
Loneliness, especially when you feel like you have no excuse for being lonely, is hard to go through. I'm going through different emotional and spiritual valleys now, but I distinctly remember the two years that I consciously felt isolated. (I'd been lonely for some time before that, but it was during those two years that I recognized it.) Two years! While trying to make friends! And connect! All for nothing!
It did pass. But I don't look back and say, "I see the clear path that God took me down! Because I was lonely, then I did this, and this happened, and now look at all these spiritual riches I have!"
But it was a valuable growing time. I have issues with God right now, but they're issues that I couldn't get to back then; the time of growth during the isolation and afterward is what got me to this point.
I'm not sure if my experience is exactly what you were describing, but I do understand the feeling of disconnect and isolation.
-- SJ
We should talk soon. How about I pick you up at 11:15 for lunch tomorrow?
Thanks for you input, Sara. It is nice to know you have felt the same way.
Emily, thanks again for enigineering lunch. I had a lovely time. Thanks for being my friend! (:
Sorry I'm late reading this....
I'd just like to tell you that I know what that feels like as well. I can remember a few years ago when I went through a really rough patch with lots of emotional and spiritual issues like what you described. I'm so thankful that the Lord doesn't leave us during those times, but instead shows Himself to be the loving Father that He is. :)
Thanks for sharing!
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